Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
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*Types*
I have lumps on my head.
WebMD: Batman
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s a story…
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]