Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
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Mormon cats have 9 wives.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
This looks nothing like what I ordered…
WTF is this????
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
My least popular conspiracy theory is that orchestra conductors don’t actually do anything. Some guy just shows up and says “okay I’mma direct you” and the musicians play the same but treat it like a Make-a-Wish thing and are like, “That’s great, bud, you’re directing so good!”
i’m laughing very hard in real life
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
😭😭😭😭
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
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My kid brought home a school fundraiser packet in case anyone wants a $43 roll of wrapping paper or an $80 candle.
My son’s default mode is “protester being dragged out of a political rally.”
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.