Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
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Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
just remembered my uber driver who messaged me that he had to stop for something and showed up 12 minutes late with chocolate on his face
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
Cats are so graceful and light-footed.
[Cat tiptoes down the first half of the stairs and falls down the rest]
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure