Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor

You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.

Two sessions in and my therapist absolutely hates the guy who suggested I need therapy. Love that for me.

landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent

me: can you tell my boss that

The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.

Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.

Her: I’m leaving you

Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?

Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.

Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?

Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.

iPhone X

70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.

Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.

Stop calling me an amateur. I’ve been doing this for decades. I’m incompetent.

My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.

I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm

when I was 12 or so my babysitter would always talk about this girl she used to babysit—how cool she was, how much she missed her—and it made me hate this girl out of pure childish jealously bc I wanted my babysitter to think *I* was cool. the other girl was Emma Stone however

“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day

women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.

women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.

roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.

Her: I <3 you.

Me: I… I sideways balls you too.

My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.

If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

me: i made my first million by the age of 21

her: wow, a million dollars?!

me: no, mistakes

Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude

I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.

me: a weirdo broke into my house

cop: are you positive it was a weirdo

me: they stole all my jeff goldblum spoken word poetry albums so you tell me

me at 7: I wanna be a marine biologist when I grow up! That or a ninja, prolly both

me at 29: I don’t know how to wash dishes without getting my shirt all wet