Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
My grandfather wanted to stay fit when he turned 60 so he decided to start running a mile a day. He’s 65 now and we don’t know where he is.
HR said no more nunchucks.
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
My daughter (5) just said she can’t wait to be fat like me so it’s easier to float.