Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel

Me: *eating oatmeal in my underwear*

Her: that’s it. I’m leaving

Me: *drinking coffee in my shoe* wh… why?

landlord: i’m raising your rent

me: am i getting more house

Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.

It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.

Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

crazy how my parents yelled at me as a child to “prepare me for the real world” when the only person who consistently yells at me is my cat

Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.

INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.

I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”

Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.

[Nightcap]

Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.

Her: It’s….a….nice.

Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.

This was the best day of my life

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Is “drunk” an emotion?

Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….

A mechanical frog is called a ribot.

Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while

The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.

9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”

Me: “Well,-“

9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”

Me: …

9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”

Me: …

9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”

DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE SO MANY DIFFERENT KINDS OF BIRD SEED? THERE’S REGULAR SEED AND RUSTIC SEED, VARIEGATED SEED, SUNFLOWER SEED, SAFFLOWER SEED. CANARY SEED, GOLDEN MILLET, RED MILLET, FLAXSEED, WHITE PROSO MILLET, THISTLE, SHELLED AND CRACKED CORN…….

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no