Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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Marriage has an interesting way of turning the word ‘whatever’ into a flamethrower.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Headline: World helium shortage over due to discovery of helium field.
Scientist: (high voice) This new supply of helium is a game-changer
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Guy behind me at the traffic lights, beeping your horn and giving me the wanker sign isn’t going to make me type this tweet any faster.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%
Brother?
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it