Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”

“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”

No one:

My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree

when i donate my body to science, they’ll be like ok do we have any other options?

Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.

Me: February probably.

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.

Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.

I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.

I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying

My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family

[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]

Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.

That’s not how days work.

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

My 6yo lost his first tooth today and wants to know when the dentist is coming.

Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad

Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.

JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt

ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it

me: [getting murdered]

murderer: [murdering]

murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?

murderer: unbelievable

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.