Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
If there was an Oscar category for ‘Best Female Taking An Imaginary Phone Call So She Could Hang Up With Her Mom’ I’d win that shit all day.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap: