Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
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He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
killing the conversation in the discord by posting a picture of me eating an eggplant like an apple
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?