Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.

My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years

My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

Remember, that the reason your kids can be so fuckin annoying sometimes..

Is that they’re miniature versions of you

Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

me: you can’t take a joke

joke thief: what

Oh, I bet you would be

One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off

Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?

Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.

Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS

My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

me: *using chocolate coins as currency*

clerk: those are not legal tender

me: tender? buddy, these will melt in your mouth

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

As someone who was born in August, I find the word leotard extremely offensive.

[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids

Tomorrow’s dress up day for my kids school is “throwback to the 2000’s.” Pardon me while I go grab my walker.

Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.

SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal

Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg