Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
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friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Fact: it’s impossible to look tough while getting a snack from a vending machine. You’re all, “Wheeee! A tiny bag of Cheetos!”
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Me: So after this Imma call you my stentist.
Cardiologist: Ok so no surgery for you.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Person: What’s your handicap?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t golf.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
Couldn’t remember the word ‘ostrich’ earlier so I called it a giraffe chicken.
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Friend: what are u doing
Me: training my pet rock
Friend: that’s dumb
Pet Rock: *leaps from my hand & hits him in the face*
Me: no rocky, no
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.