Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?

Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.

I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*

*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up

I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.

one day you’re going to see a post that says “you know you’re old if you know what this is” and it’s going to be a wordle score

Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it

[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.

Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble

i have good and bad news

Wife: Ok, the bad news?

i didn’t clean out the garage

Wife:*sigh* the good news?

[holds up cat dressed as Thor]

I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

husband: aren’t you excited?

me:

husband: today is the last day of your life without a PS5

I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office

I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]

Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE

My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”

So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.

Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.

4yo does not want to go to school anymore, she wants to be homeschooled

I told her I will homeschool her this week and then she will go back to school next week. She’s delighted!

(There is no school this week)

My head is starting to get dented from hitting rock bottom so often.

Only take relationship advice from people who have really healthy relationships. So, no one

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Me: 🎵 mama

My Mom: hi son

Me: 🎵 just killed a man

My Mom: new phone who dis

If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist

I have always wanted to do this 😭😭

me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon

Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people

My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic

Me:

My grandfather: The Grampacalypse

Me:

My grandfather: Grandmageddon

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.

Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus