Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
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me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
The lady at the massage parlor asked if I wanted a happy ending, I said yes and then she proceeded to tell me the plot of Homeward Bound.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
gentlemen, hear me out
Sometimes when my boyfriend and I aren’t speaking, we have the dog deliver notes to each other
I just got a message from the dog asking where the good mustard is
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner