Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
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My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
8 hrs sleep: So refreshed
6 hrs: Feeling fine
4 hrs: I will rip your head off for a minor transgression
2 hrs: Why is my boss a Minotaur
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”