Last night my 4yo said a prayer for all the people in the world including “Africa, Asia and Syrup.” From now on, I will be referring to Europe only as Syrup.
You Might Also Like
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Who names their kid Russell? Like hey kid you’re a noise. Look after your sister kurplop boing
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
I was walking past a farm and a sign said: “Duck, eggs!”
I thought: “That’s an unnecessary comma.” – then it hit me.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
Coffee is ready.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
if you steal enough fitbits they’ll just give you one for your ankle
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me: