Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
You Might Also Like
People in Detroit call Grand Theft Auto V “Tuesday”
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
Me: I know it’s weird but do you wanna see where my dad is buried?
Date: actually, I love graveyards
Me: *flipping on cellar light* graveyards?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”
<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.
I used to devour books as a kid but the doctors made me stop because of stomach issues
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again