Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
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Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
she has a smile full of sesame seeds
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
[First Date]
Him: And, how did you get here?
Me: My parents had sex.
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
Couldn’t untangle my Christmas lights this year.
So I plugged them in and threw them out in the front yard. Christmas tumbleweed and done.