Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting

clock repairman: I’m doing my best

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first. 

Sandal was upset at the vet yesterday, because nothing bad has ever happened to him so he thinks being weighed is a war crime, and the technician kept trying to soothe him by saying ” awww, pobrecita chancleta” (literally, “poor little flip-flop”). he’s never living this down

Don’t you hate it when you go in ALDI to buy an apple and walk past the middle aisle and then you’re back in your car with a 4 person tent and a fucking bbq

“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.

Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies

A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face

Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses

*gives up being Catholic for Lent*

God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole

Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.

sign of the times 🖊

Stress makes you gain weight as you get older.

So I’m basically a puffer fish now.

Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?

Friend: My oven.

Bear

Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier

Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.

She’s gotten sick of pizza.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.

Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.

Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”

[being introduced to a new coworker]

boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company

me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE

ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—

the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw

Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)

My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??

Narrator: Along came a spider, and sat down beside her…

Spider: [doing the moonwalk]

Narrator: wtf no

Spider: [breakdancing]

Narrator: omg

Spider: [doing the robot] lol