Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
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when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
Got stuck in a long line at the store but at least I got to hear the guy behind me tell his friend all about his goats escaping and coming back pregnant
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
D was probably like “lmao ok” when they named the alphabet the ABCs
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes