Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
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I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
My kid just used the phrase “a perfect circle of parmesean cheese” when talking to his friends and I don’t care if he’s cooking or summoning a cheese demon, whatever he’s doing I must be a part of it.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Maybe I carry an axe. You don’t know. I could love you to pieces…
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Zoo security guy: We know you’ve stolen a parrot. Hand it over.
Me: Why would you accuse me? Is it because I’m brown??
From inside my jacket: Is it because I’m brown??
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Being a dog must be wild, everyone you meet is your masseuse
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.