Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
You Might Also Like
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
I can’t stop watching this.
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
My suitcase was 1 pound overweight at bag check so i smiled sweetly at the ticket agent to get away with it… Yall that man said “idk what you doing that for… i got all my teeth too” 😂😂😂
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
Local theater is doing CATS and I went last night and it’s very enjoyable but also super unrealistic; not one of the “cats” sat on a table and knocked shit onto the floor
Sorry I just read your text from 12 years ago. Are you guys still at Blockbuster?