Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
Oh no
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
If there are ladies out there into bad boys, look no further. I’m now watching a show despite it being for mature audiences only.
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
