Last night my husband and I went to a party. I noticed he was “sipping” some brown liquor and I sarcastically said, “Uh-oh!” and pointed to his drink and he rolled his eyes and said, “I am an adult.”
It is 7:52 pm THE NEXT DAY and that adult has not gotten out of bed yet.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
One of the Monkees once told me that looking at Medusa would *actually* turn you into a baby semiaquatic rodent, but I had my doubts. Then I saw her face, now I’m a wee beaver.
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
ME, in denim jacket and bolo tie: But why not?
BRIDE: I said NO.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
