Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missing

You’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”

[at swimming pool]

Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem

EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Wedding planning is organized crime.

Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth

Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.

Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.

I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.

I dated Spider-Man for a while but my folks hated him. Dad was thoroughly disgusted by his onesie and neat freak Mom kept following him around with a broom.

Women: I need a man that can open pickle jars and kill spiders

Me: *Opens a jar of spiders* Did I do this right?

Tried to signal to my wife across the food court to buy me an extra McNuggets and now I’m in 3 gangs and have to kill someone named “Snake”.

[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit

I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.

REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.

PISSED: teen gets fed up with teacher
“can i use the bathroom?”
“i don’t know, CAN you?”
*takes deep breath*
*pisses all over teachers desk*

My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.

I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

so, is there a mister shapen head

hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead

The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd

Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*

Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.