Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
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My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”
Birds: but doesn’t the blood rush to-
Bats: pnq ǝɹǝɥ dǝǝls oʇ ƃuᴉʎɹʇ ǝɹ,ǝʍ
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Just saw IT. Cool movie, but I gotta ask: what was up with that clown?? Killing kids? Not good.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
*renames my kids South and East, and leaves them on Kanye’s doorstep*
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.