Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
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CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
A roof is a house hat.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
Ways to tell a woman’s mad at you:
1. She’s silent.
2. She’s yelling.
3. She acts the same.
4. She acts different.
5. She murdered you.
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I like to split up my kid’s orange so he can refuse to eat half at lunch and refuse to eat the other half at snack
In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.
Another case where fake ones have a leg up.
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
(my date twirling her hair)
“Can I use your bathroom quick?”
Absolutely, gorgeous.
*hears the longest fart ever as she closes the door*
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
Remember candidates for class president making promises for things they would have no power to implement? Just like real presidential candidates.
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
me: *offering joint* wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human
I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…