Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
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My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
No I don’t want to read the article first I want to argue now
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
that’s just… not what monogamy means??
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
Been feeling a little moody and run down lately, so I googled my symptoms to see what I might have.
It’s kids. I have kids.
Me: YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME!!!!
Chocolate Cake: …..
Me: Ugh.. Fine, you win.
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol
dog math is dividing the number of secret service agents you bite by seven
Hollywood led me to believe I would have to do way more heat/AC duct crawling than I’ve had to do.
ME: Happy New Year, Dad. We love you.
DAD: That’s great. Hey, put the dog back on the phone. I got another joke for him.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Who chose this font
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”