Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
what do we want???
CHEESECAKE
when do we want it???
PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
8am: i’m so tired
10am: i’m so tired
1pm: i’m so tired
4pm: i’m so tired
8pm: i’m so tired
11pm: i’m so tired
2am: WHAT HAVEN’T I WATCHED ON NETFLIX, WHAT CAN I BUY ON AMAZON DOT COM, I AM GOING TO CHECK LINKEDIN FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Smart cars are what happens when Optimus Prime gets drunk and has sex with his vacuum cleaner.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
After I dropped my daughter off at college, my youngest son said “We’re finally empty nesters. Let’s start traveling”.
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Me, literally climbing out of a dumpster: Can I give you some personal advice?
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle