Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
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God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
“This is the funniest video on the internet right now”
Me: Sees Video
Me: Checks Internet
meow wolf is doing a brand partnership with our local version of chipotle and they’ve got a tie-dye tortilla for burritos so I ordered it, why not. I haven’t stopped laughing since I unwrapped it because it looks like it’s covered in mold
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Telling my friend they will end up with the partner they deserve (insult but said in the tone of a compliment)
[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.