Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”

To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.

[first date]

HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?

ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?

If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!

My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*

Me- STOP IT

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.

“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”

ME: *starts vaping*

Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?

*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*

Girl: do bad things to me babe

Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too

Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.

My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”

My niece: ok grammar

[liquor store]

Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.

Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*

Him: Oh, it’s you.

[first date with Shrek]
Shrek: Where shall we go?
Me: Let’s go… OGRE THERE hahaha
Shrek: I’m going back to my swamp

It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.

Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

coworker: you’re 37? you look younger

me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth

coworker: ha ha *leaves*

demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you

me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut

demon: ooo get a maple bar

Person: Home decor is a niche market.

Me: Baked flan with a savory filling thickened with eggs is a quiche market.

they put new cement in the entire entrance to my apartment and said i couldn’t leave for an hour so i climbed the wall to the next yard ran thru it and climbed over the fence on the other side and i’ve never seen 3 grown men look that freaked out in my life

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?