Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
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Interviewer: Why do you think you’d make a good waiter?
Me: (says nothing)
Interviewer: are you…waiting?
Me: *nods*
Interviewer: holy shit
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
[at Starbucks]
ME: One large starbuck please.
BARISTA: Sir, that’s not even a-
ME: Sorry, one venti starbuck please.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Having a heart-to-heart with our zoo’s laundry team about using our mooses’ antlers as drying racks.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
Don’t open your heart to me. I’ll just put peanut butter in there.
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty