Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
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judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Him: “What should I pick up for the storm?”
Me: “Nachos.”
“I meant essentials. We could be stranded.”
“Ohhhhhh. Then nachos AND vodka.”
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
One more week not killing my basil plant so I’m a farmer now
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I came home & my dog peed a little bc he was happy to see me. None of my friends pee when they see me. I’m surrounded by fakes
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.