Last night my neighbour came home drunk and banged on his own door for like 5 minutes. Problem is, he lives alone….
So I went outside and told him he wasn’t there and he left!
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Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
someone just emailed me to very condescendingly inform me a portion of the email I sent her made no sense. reader, the sheer joy I felt at being able to reply that the message was forwarded to her as she originally submitted it and I too am looking for clarity on what she meant
I was attacked by two different owls. I think they were in cahoots.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
My ducks may not be in a row, but at least they’re having fun. Your ducks probably hate you for making them line up like that.
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Nomnomnomnom
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.