Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
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Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
The human liver can withstand up to 97% damage and make a full recovery.
Yet not one doctor will accept this as an argument for alcoholism.
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Do one person every day that scares you.
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
found my next D&D character name
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
Wanting to be funny is a disease. Why am I spending 30 minutes trying to think of a clever wifi name for my neighbors to see?
What’s the protocol for objecting at a wedding that you’re a plus one at?
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
We have this problem in Skye. Not a family round here hasn’t lost a baby or a dog to the eagles. We just don’t whine about it all the time. Southerners. 🙄
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.