Last night my son gave me a dollar and told me I was a “good guy” and I think he might be in the mob now
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Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
The government even made aliens boring
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
S O O N
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.