Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back

Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

ME: holy shit is that the pope?!

HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride

The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it

Gets pulled over:

” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”

Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.

For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.

see next tweet for some translations

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors

A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.

[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

Velcrow

interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.

Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her

I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.

In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.

Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox

Wife: Aw that’s nice

[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness

My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.