Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
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.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
Neighbor thinks I’m stalking her. Any time she hears a noise she is purified. Petrified!
Sorry, not easy reading a diary thru binoculars.
Wife: Where have you been?
Me: [thinking about the studio apartment I disappear to when things are crazy at home] On a tri-state killing spree.
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
necessity is the mother of invention
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
My plan to avoid getting lost in the IKEA both succeded and failed. Apparently, when you try to mark your path with swedish meatballs, they quickly find you and escort you out.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
House arrest? Your Honor, if anyone is going to be punished here it should be me. My house has done nothing wrong.
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
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