Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 馃槀
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Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn鈥檛 the same driver as the last time.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
I did not take a DNA test…
Turns out I’m am 100% not caring what I am…
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
#Caturday
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
it鈥檚 my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i鈥檒l k*ll u with my bare hands
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “碌”
called? Student : Torrent
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad鈥ay we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad鈥ay we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* 鈥andline
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 馃槨
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
You ever been talking to a genuinely stupid person and think “good for him. You know what keeps this guy up at night? Not a God damn thing”
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I鈥檒l take the job
Willy Wonka:
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops