Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
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ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
It’s okay, facial recognition. I don’t recognize myself anymore either.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
[at dinner party]
Me: Excuse me, a bit of an announcement.. Jenny and I are expecting a kid. She is 4 months pregnant.
Vegan: I’m vegan
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Dookie Cough is how folks were dying on the Oregon trail.
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
if someone would only design a type of headwear with some sort of built-in device to block the sun they’d probably make a fortune
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”