Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
You Might Also Like
All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.
New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
Me to the bartender: When you asked me if I wouldn’t mind some head I thought you meant…
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
Welcome to middle age, where you wake up hungover whether you’ve had a drink or not.