Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
You Might Also Like
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? ππ
Her: Iβm going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isnβt going to work out.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDNβT LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: maβam your husband posted bail Friday
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
Iβm not saying I donβt love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didnβt always wait until sheβs mid-poop to ask.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
βHow do you compete in fencing if you donβt have a sword?β
βI just dodge the other guyβs attacks.β
βYouβre missing the point.β
βThatβs the idea!β
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
βkill them with kindnessβ wrong. crow attack
π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬π¦ββ¬
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
3-year-old: Where do people go when they die?
Me: Heaven.
3: I don’t want to go there.
Me: Why not?
3: It’s full of dead people.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* itβs been awhileβ
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”