*whispering* i like going for a drive and running my fingers through your hair
bus driver: well, i do not
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I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
#titanic
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
What do you mean you come from a dysfunctional background?
“Well my mom is a compulsive hoar-“
*gasp*
“-der. Wait, what did you think I was going to say?”
Sorry, I get easily distracted
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
lol
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
I’m going bananas!
*What I tell my bananas when I’m leaving the house.
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend