Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.

Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.

*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.

“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”

Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.

Nobody:

Absolutely no one:

Not a single soul on this Earth:

Not even their mom:

iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”

[Blazing hot day]

Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.

~ My mom.

New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?

Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.

Me: I think I saw a murder.

Policeman: Are you positive?

Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.

Policeman: About the murder.

Me: Not really. No.

CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?

CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99

Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.

Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*

Me: Delete it.

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.

Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!

6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.

-No DNA test needed

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!

“I’ll get gold”

“Frankincense”

“I’ll get myrrh”

Me: Can babies vape?

King: Actually 3 wise men is fine

Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.

[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]

This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒

My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH