Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.

I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”

~Shampoo developers probably

It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime

Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”

And then they eat all your fries.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.

Day 5 of self quarantine:

My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children

Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..

..

..

..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats

My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.

MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.

ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.

pls suprot

i used to think i was final girl material, but i’m actually the one who’s killed while frantically searching for her glasses

FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind

My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.

Me: What’s for dinner?

Her: Chinese.

Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.

*catches duck
*fires up juicer

After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.

BRB YOU GUYS, I GOTTA DO THIS FACEBOOK QUIZ TO FIND OUT WHAT BREED OF CAT I AM

If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.

So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk

Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.

So glad our house has 3 bathrooms so all of my kids can argue while brushing their teeth in mine.

Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.