Last night someone was sharing how their great grandpa passed away and when they said “he was shot through the heart” it took every brain cell i have not to say “and you’re to blame”
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Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
This is my cat’s medicine.
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
extrovert self made too many plans this month, introvert self is pissed
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
I don’t want to make anyone jealous right now, but I’m sitting in a restaurant in Universal Studios while 2 of my kids cry and refuse to eat their food.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
Cleaning out the clutter in my house / garage, so if anyone is in need of a spouse that snores and kids that don’t listen, they’ll be out front.