Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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Me: Babe, can you zip this for me?
Him: That’s an inflatable sumo suit.
Me: I’m flying United today.
Him: Don’t forget your helmet.
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
This toddler just ran up to me in Target, crying for me to pick him up. I didn’t know what to do, so I did & he stopped crying, immediately. His mom then walks up to me & says, “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry sir. But you look just like his daddy” 💀.
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
These dogs look like they have good credit.
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
#oldknees
rise and shine we got egg
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Tony Hawk, age 6
BOSS: I want to see you in my office.
ME: Wow, thanks. You can have my cubicle.
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
It’s been a while since I’ve done online dating but where do you put your daily supplemental fiber intake on your profile
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.