Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
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Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours
2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]