Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

doctor: what seems to be the problem

me: it seems like u should be telling me

Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.

If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.

How does someone manage that 🤨

*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*

Baker: “When is your wedding?”

Me: *with mouthful of cake*

“What wedding?”

“Honey did you put a dead rattlesnake in my boot?”
Oh it died?

I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.

Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.

Investor: I can see what you’re saying.

Grandma just made me go across the street to pay the neighbor kid because she forgot to pay him to shovel her driveway….35 YEARS AGO. The man is now in his mid to late 40s.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

*Moses opens tablet*

You have TEN unread commandments.

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.

I get that the mirror in my therapist’s office is symbolic for self-reflection.

But why is it on the ceiling?
And why is his couch a water bed?

Mary: oh no my period is late

Joseph: oh no how late

Mary: I dunno, what’s the date

Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC

Mary: 9 months what now

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!

ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee is just floating.

kid: 5 more minutes

dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime

1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby

all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second

Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.

Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.