Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
Hot neighbor (limping): I slipped and fell on my bedroom floor this morning
Me: Haha, I saw that
Her: What?
Me: What?
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
[Having guests over for the first time after restrictions are lifted]
Them: Wow your place looks great! So clean!
Us: Thanks we were trying to stay alive.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.