Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters

Marking my last weekend of living single by finishing off these 19 cans of baked beans

My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.

Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.

BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no

The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth

Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄

Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?

The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.

I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.

Soldiers seen here arriving before the infamous Battle of Baguettysburg.

I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.

It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.

*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac

in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground

Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide

Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏

Me: You have bruises??

Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.

You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.

Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran

My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.

How much for the vacation home?

Sir, this is a coffin.

[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started

The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.