Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
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*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
Someday I’d love to treat my wife to some luxury items, like a BMW, a Louis Vuitton bag, or genuine HP ink cartridges.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
* Guy at board meeting pitching the idea for a Roomba
You ever notice how sometimes you’re too drunk to vacuum ?
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Sorry, but responding to “sir, you are yelling” with “SO IS THE BABY” while screaming about a baby crying on an airplane is the funniest thing anyone has ever said.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
waiter: you wanna box for your leftovers?
me: i gotta fight you for them?
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Welcome to Twitter, apparently everyone here is a fire expert.