Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*

Sombrero is better than nobrero.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

Me: what did you get into??

8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are

ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook

84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them

Every
Single
Year

No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.

A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.

Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.

I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…

I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…

I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.

[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit

White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.

This is Patsy. She fell asleep in the rain and is now convinced she’s having an out-of-body experience. 14/10

Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency

Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US

Dinosaur 911: is it the sun

Dinosaur: haha probably. bye

rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants

Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am

God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus

Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?

Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep