Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once

I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife

Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.

A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.

“You want a BOOTH?!”

“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”

“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”

~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand

When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right

Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.

“You look really pretty today,” I said as I looked in the mirror, and my reflection replied, “And you…um, you have a GREAT personality.”

Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*

NINE MONTHS LATER

*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes

nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws

The fastest mammal on earth is me when I’m retweeting your typo tweet.

Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.

friend: you should name your plants

me: why

friend: it’s just a cute thing people do

me: oh ok. *pointing to rose bush* this is Lily

friend: wait

me: *pointing to lily* this is Iris

friend: no—

me: *pointing to Iris* this is Rosemary

friend: I hate you

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

at my child’s request I’ve been sending carrots to school for the rabbit. Today I asked to stop by the classroom where the rabbit is and discovered that the rabbit is a puppet

Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call

like u make the diseases or are against them ?

hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts

Perfect

Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!

What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?

My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”

There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS

Mean things I kind of want to do:

1) Call up a random person and say “It’s done. You just need to clean up the blood.” and hang up.

2) Walk up to a stranger and hand them a bag with random items (vaseline, a hose and socks) and say “You know what to do.”

I decided to make the ultimate ice cream dessert today so I combined sea salt ice cream with sea salt chocolate, sea salt almonds and sea salt caramel. What did it taste like? Salt. It tasted like salt.

There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.

Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls

Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes

Me: why

Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you