Last night,my friend changed all my contacts in my phone.I’ve been texted by Batman Donatello,Hermione Granger.I have no idea who they are.
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Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
The bath is too wet
– reason 101 my toddler is tantruming
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator