Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
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When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
[Plastic surgeon’s office]
Duck: this is bullshit! *flies out window*
Secretary: what the hell was that?
Plastic Surgeon: He was upset about his bill
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
When a new bird species visits your bird feeder
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁
*Welds all night without incident..
*Burns self getting a pizza out of the oven..
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Wife: omg it’s happening
Me: what is?
*the lights go out, wind rattles the windows*
Wife: the baby is coming
Me: what?!
Wife: the baby is coming right now
Me: you’re not pregnant!
*door creaks open*
Wife: run
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“You take pills because you’re crazy”
“No MOM, I take pills because they make me tolerant of crazy people that don’t take pills”
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?