Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet

handsome & gretel

Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.

Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full

Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty

Excel: The glass is the 1st of February

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”

God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out

Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?

God: lol no no no, the hair on their head

Angel: [under breath] i miss satan

Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?

Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength

I’m sorry…what?

Twitter is the new Circuit City grift 🤣

I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!

I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

genie: you have three wishes

me: end the pandemic

genie: [snaps fingers] done

me: get me a good job

genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history

me: i wish to own a home

genie: dude come on

I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.

The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

I don’t think my car can fly

I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.

Jesus: Time for a miracle!

Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch

Jesus:

Puritan:

Jesus: who likes fish

noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking

cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life

Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.

I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.

-Lies I’ve told to cops.

*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?

My newest way to win marital arguments is to interrupt and say “as your legal counsel” and then state my point. It hasn’t worked yet and seems to make him madder but I think with the right amount of persistence I’ll crack the code.

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

*Seductively stripping out of clothes.

Gynecologist: Please stop that.

When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.