Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
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If i’m in the mood for some jazz i just throw an orchestra down the stairs
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
You’d think after 12 years of filming Boyhood someone would be like hey maybe we should make this good.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Fitbit: Time for a walk
Me: *walks to snack machine
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
They say punching a shark is an effective way to prevent a shark attack but my preference would still be ‘land’
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets