Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
