Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.

Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.

Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro

If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.

[My relationship with TV]

There’s nothing on.

*watches nothing for the next six hours.

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*

*burns neck with curling iron*

*stabs scalp with bobby pin*

*gets hairspray in eyes*

*wears hair in ponytail*

Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.

Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!

Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET

First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute

10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH

Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them

Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.

Judge: did you go the wrong direction on the freeway

Me: what no

Judge: then who did

Me: bro literally everyone else

I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely

[Phone]
Boss: You haven’t been in work all week!

Me: I’ve told you, I always take this week off for religious reasons

Boss *gritted teeth* and I’ve told you, “sharks” is not a religion

If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.

Barber: How do you want it?

Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.

[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga

If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur

*Me getting pulled over*

Me:license and registration please?

Guy police officer :I pulled u over..

Me:do u really want to argue with me?

The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?