Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.

That depressing moment when you pull up to work and the building is not engulfed in flames.

Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.

Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel

A Canadian pilot was hesitant about landing in the crosswind, so Benny from Maintenance has fixed his plane.

Eating nothing but bacon for my keto diet because I wanna be thin in time for my heart attack

my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.

Bluesky is fine but every single post on my feed is talking about twitter and how much better things are than twitter and it’s giving big “oh I’m TOTALLY over my ex” vibes

Dear plastic wrap,

I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.

– me

Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.

Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.

Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.

When someone says you are so lazy

I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.

Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail

On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.

They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.

TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

The secret to being a private person is to overshare dumb shit so people think you are an open book but then not tell them any of the important details of your life.

nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

*sees any 3 stars in a row*

(confidently)
“that’s orion’s belt”

My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist