Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.

Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.

Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?

-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson

I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation

me: “what is a librarian’s favourite food?”
dog:
me: “SHUSHI lmao”
dog: [starts putting his toys in suitcase]

Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*

Kim – Where is North West?

Kanye – *takes out compass*

Kim – I mean my baby!

Kanye – I’m right here.

Kim – Jesus Kanye!

Kanye – Yeezus*

[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok

[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR

You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂

Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.

It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!

Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.

No, it’s not what you think.

I just watched Hook.

I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.

Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”

Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.

Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.

strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs

Nothing in a household is said more lovingly than, “Can you bring me some toilet paper?”

Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.

The worst part of all-you-can-eat buffets are all the witnesses

How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine