[last supper]
jesus: from now on it’s called dinner
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I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Jesus steals the winter solstice
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
me: this year i’m giving my kids a modest christmas
my bank account: i do not think that word means what you think it means
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks![]()
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Introducing new iPhone 5 features:
– Patented Ultrablack color technology.
– Siri is less of a cunt.
– Contains 1 mg of Steve Jobs’ ashes.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.