Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…

My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us

[50 years from now]

*visiting husband’s grave*

“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”

Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory

I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.

Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.

sleeping beauty

Me: Who cares what astrological sign you are? Phhht, that stuff is so silly.

Also me: I’m logical and scientifically minded because I’m an INTJ…

If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.

terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth

To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.

Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.

If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified

Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating

Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

-You’re gonna love our date at that place where treasures may be hidden
-Wait..will it be romantic?
-..
-I told you 100 times, you can’t trick me into going to the garbage dump again

Attending multiple open houses today… I’m going to walk into every empty room and ask “now does this come with the place?”

me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier

Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years

Me: My driving test went really badly

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.

I ate my exam paper. Which means that pretty soon I’ll pass the test.

Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!

Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!

[3 days later]

W: Can you take the trash out?

M: No way!

W: *angry* I beg your pardon?

M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again

W: I despise you