Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.

[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason

Shaved my legs today

RIP drain

[Crime scene]

Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was

*takes off sunglasses*

D: blunt force trauma

My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever

Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.

Man: No!

*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*

Nurse: *screams*

P: He convinced his body to do that.

N:

P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.

They offered me money to promote a product in my Twitter account, but my dignity is strong, as Axion “The true grease stain remover”

interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.

me: well, which is it?

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.

We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags

I started out with nothing and still have most of it!

Fact.

If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?

God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”

Thanks, baby Jesus, for helping me get that new job instead of helping millions of children find water and food. I know it was a tough call.

Dog: I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO OUTSIDE NOW TAKE ME OUTSIDE I HAVE TO GO SO BAD

Me: omg okay

[45 minutes into our walk]

Me: OMG GO TO THE BATHROOM

Dog: none of these spots meet my strict criteria

me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach

wife: we have never discuss-

me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back

New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.

This is true.

Southwest flight attendant told us to fasten our seatbelts because “the captain just saw Top Gun and wants to try something new”

Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!

Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one

Someone just called me a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor

Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?

Me: …dog?

Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something

Ouija board: s o m e t-

Wife: that’s him

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito

Old friend: I barely recognize you.

“That’s the look I was going for. “