[Last Supper]
Jesus: *holds up bread* This is my body
*holds up wine* This is my blood
And this is Sparta!
*kicks Judas into a pit*
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Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
ME: Hi, I’ve got my hearing test today
LAWYER: I keep telling you it’s not a test
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I’m not impressed. I’ve had a Canon printer for years.
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
doctor: you have a brain disorder that causes you to give the most ridiculous responses to serious news
wife: [crying]
me: that’s a spicy meatball
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
You in the crosswalk: I stopped for you. I stopped. I’m stopped. I won’t unstop. Don’t look at me. Just walk. Go. For the love of God.
there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Watching a movie about a lonely girl who ends up becoming prom queen! Really makes me believe that anything can come true 🥹 can’t wait to see how it all ends!!!
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher
We could all be hibernating right now but noooooo we have to be “adults” with “responsibilities”
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…