Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

How am I supposed to find my glasses if I’m not wearing my glasses!?

There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park

Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”

Me: “BRO, you were there.”

I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them

i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow

Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.

Lion: *eating me*

Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

Pooh on Cold Callers:

These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…

[pizza delivery]

Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*

uh HELL YEAH!

*pulls out phone*

see that RT button?

It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings

Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.

Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.

Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button

I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.

*accidentally makes crinkling noise.

Arranged my own kidnapping.

Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.

I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.

Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.

9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.

After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.

Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.

When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.