Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.

“YOU’RE GONNA GET THE HELL OVER HERE AND WATCH THIS CHRISTMAS MOVIE WITH US AS A FAMILY AND YOU’RE GONNA HAVE CHRISTMAS JOY!!”

– And other fun christmas things I say to my kids

me: dating is hard

me on a date: i call my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician

Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.

same but as an audience member

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

This probably isn’t good

At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.

EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.

Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.

I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!

My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?

Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-

6: Is that because you keep giving it away??

My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.

Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time

carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled

They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.

*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*

Me: This salsa is spicy

“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”

Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’

Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

Me: *typing on laptop*

My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*

Me: Aww. So sweet.

My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*

Me: Or not.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Possum 911: What’s your emergency

Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!

Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?

Possum: Oh yeah

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.