Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What did she send you on Snapchat?
My pre-teen: A picture of a wall.
Me: What did you send back?
My pre-teen: The ceiling.

They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.

KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal

Me: Family?

I’m glad nothing I own was made with my own two hands because I really like having hands.

Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.

My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.

Them: if you could be any animal wha-

Me: rotisserie chicken

Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.

Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”

If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.

Me: Hello darkness my old friend

Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: YES!

Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?

Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!

Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?

Daughter: Yes!

Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?

If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.

Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝

Just as the prophecy foretold

KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that

Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

Can you imagine the abject horror I experienced when I saw the groom pull out a guitar and tell us he was about to hold a sermon?

2 years later

I don’t think my family will ever accept me.

First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”

[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]

My Son: Where’s his lawyer?

Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.

My Son: *heavy sigh*

I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.

Gods work.

“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?

Cop: Yes, go back a step.

Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.

Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.

Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword