Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.

cashier: paper or plastic

me: it’s a debit card

cashier: no for your milk

me: oh haha liquid’s fine

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.

Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?

[sexting]

Her: Are you naked?

Me (taking a shit): Yes

flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand

me: how do i access the wifi

fa: im doing safety announcements

me: is that lowercase

All I want for Christmas is you.

Buried in my backyard.

I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:

“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”

So far, they’re crushing it

Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words

Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.

Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me

One time I was at a bar with some friends and I told my one friend he was being belligerent (he was) and for the rest of the night he was like “oh I’m belligerent huh? I’m belligerent?” And it was clear he didn’t know what the word meant

The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.

How many dates should you wait before revealing that you’re not proficient in Excel?

Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.

Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.

“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”

banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000

me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok

A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever

My 7 year old leaves for school with no toys. When I pick him up he has many toys. He says he “trades” for them. I’d ask his teacher but snitches get stitches.

I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.

if i were Will Smith in iRobot, i’d simply defeat the robots by asking them to identify which of the following pictures contains a bicycle

Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”

Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO

Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.