Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

* Wins lottery

* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades

At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too

[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.

*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.

*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.

Parenthood is basically just pretending to be angry when you aren’t and pretending not to be angry when you are.

Nick’s coming over

Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?

*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*

I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.

Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?

hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.

Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer

[Arthur’s Court]

SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table

SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…

Goodnight stars. Goodnight air. Goodnight 30-50 feral hogs everywhere

Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.

“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”

“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright

I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

Blending in with the normals like:

Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant