Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread

at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever

It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023

Wife: Where’s your dad?

Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.

Wife: He’s what?

Son: Himalayan out.

When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.

Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home

I like to record the results and statistics of female tennis players.

I do this on a Steffi Graph.

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred

Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above

I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.

Her face will be on currency one day.

saying “i don’t care” and then not being able to sleep because of it is my superpower

*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL

I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.

Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

when i go to an improv show and they ask for a suggestion i always scream out “don’t do any improv”

Friend: The year is almost over. What have you accomplished?

Me: I don’t like your tone.

Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”

The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.

MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?

ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther

MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away

ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

I’m sitting next to a beautiful woman at a bar so now it’s only a matter of time before nothing happens.