Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.

Attention fat vegans:

Explain.

[birthday party]

*giant cake is wheeled out, exotic dancer jumps out of it*

me: *dejectedly puts down fork*

my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy

People think I’m good at keeping secrets but the truth is I’m just bad at paying attention to what you told me.

Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage

*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*

ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.

husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*

me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it

husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family

The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.

I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.

My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

I’m slytherin because everyone knows women like a bad boy

I’m kidding, I’ve never even read lord of the rings

I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.

If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.

Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon

An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.

*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass

Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball

Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.

Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.

Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
They

Amateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes

Is Dutch some sort of clown language

The Jaws theme stays on during sex.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time