[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
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[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.
Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
Accidentally wore a red shirt and a khaki pants to Target yesterday &, long story short, I think I have been promoted to assistant manager.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
#merica
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence