Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.

If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.

Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair

“Shall we proofread this before posting?”

“Fuck it.”

Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward

Some of us just developed bad knees

Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter

W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???

M: Nah he can’t read

A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.

Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷‍♂️😆🤷‍♂️😆

– For this evening’s dessert, Hercule Poirot will drone on and on about something until you emit a loud shriek.
– Ooh, Belgian waffles and I scream!

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.

Gen Z, Boomers, Millennials and Gen X

HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes

DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?

HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?

Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”

*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark

me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right

doctor: you no longer have legs

me: just like a shark

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese

Girlfriend: Yes probably more

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Welcome to your forties! You’re gonna need several doctors, no matter how many apples

My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day

the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead

I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them

No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.

Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me: