Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….

Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”

🫡

One thing that bothers me about vampire novels is that vampires are essentially just very old people. They should act like it.

I want to see a sexy vampire who looks like they’re in their 20’s go on a rant about Woodrow Wilson while chewing hard candies.

why is covid-19 trending does anyone know

Wife: is that our guinea pig?

Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn

Wife: why

Me: *whispers* gwyny pig

*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.

My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.

Me: Don’t lick the dog.

2: He licked me first.

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more

“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband

every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me

for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.

[126 minutes]

My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.

[on a plane]

ME: how much for wine?

ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot

ME: oh right it’s free

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?

Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh

You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.

No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.

[Confessional Booth]

Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.

Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!

Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.

DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]

The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.