[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
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I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
[therapy]
ME: *in tears* So anyway, that’s why I think she left me
PERSON ON ELEVATOR: Please, I have a family
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
ROOKIE: Looks like the air bag failed to inflate
COP: Actually it did, the guy is just ugly
ME: C’mon guys I’m still alive here
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
born to say “are you f*****g stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
why no one uses midhusbands
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
just seen a tiktok where this girl asked her bf for pads with wings so he got her pads & 36 chicken wings 💀
I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened