Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.

Me: [ Seizing the Day ]

Monday:

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.

if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?

GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high five

ME: he bought some dirt

GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok

ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself

“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it

Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at Macdonald’s. Not funny, grow up.

I almost just turned down a beer.

Calm down, I said almost.

public bathrooms: wash your hands

also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!

Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.

*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Cop: Lemme see your papers
Me: Okay
Cop: These are rolling papers
Me: Would you look at that
Cop: Sir are you high?
Me: What are you, a cop?

me: I need to learn about clams

librarian: you can find them under C

me: I need to learn more than that

I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started

Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”

Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.

*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.

We don’t know what’s in the vaccine. Could be anything. Microchips? Sure. Toxins? Maybe. Predatory birds? Definitely. This is all a plot to fill us full of falcons because the CDC is in the pocket of Big Talon.

If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something

“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park

this FaceApp is creepy af

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

This is a sub tweet