Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?

Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.

Dog people like dogs

Cat people like cats

Lizard people are lizards

Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!

Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*

Dentists will turn to their nurses and say
‘A24 – fatal traumatic root eruption’
and then turn to you like ‘all healthy 👍’

Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.

He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?

ME: Leave that to me.

[later, at dinner]

HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.

ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉

This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?

My 8 year-old desperately wants to be a teacher when she grows up and loves pretending she’s a teacher around the house. Today I found her eating a cupcake in the kitchen and when I asked her who said that was OK she replied, “it’s teacher appreciation day”

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?

Me: can I go to the bathroom?

Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting

Me: so that’s a yes?

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Direct deposit: $1,400

Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*

This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.

Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.