[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
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I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
#dnd #ttrpg
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
My favorite part about playing video games with my kids is
WAIT WHICH GUY AM I
HOW DO I JUMP
WHAT’S HAPPENING
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
How dude HOW?!
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
There are spies in chicken coups now. They’re egg plants.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said “Honk 2 impeach Obama”
You’d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Poetry is my passion
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10