Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.

During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.

jacob when he finds out that his love interest is bella’s literal baby

“Can I be honest with you?”

Me- no, thank you

ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight

PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*

Hit me with your best shot came on the radio and my son sang hit me with your pet shark and damnit that’s the name of the song now.

He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.

My sense of humour has been described as “oh god..” and “please stop, this is a funeral”.

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?

Me: No… it has two cameras.

Me: God grant me the serenity.

God: What was that? I couldn’t hear you over your screaming kids.

I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

Me: Air

Her: Tornado

Me: …

Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.

dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕

I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!

Cobra: the what

If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.

Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police

I wish I was a better person

genie: kind of a low bar but ok

Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?

My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—

Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!

I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.

Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.

I disagree. Me:

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.

If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.

Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.